If Only
by xDJNx
Summary: InuYasha contemplates how much better life would have been if he'd never met Kagome in the first place.  Slight Inu/Kik & Inu/Kag


**Disclaimer:** I do not own InuYasha.

_This one shot actually came to me in a dream. I know everyone that reads my other stories are probably PISSED that I'm not updating right now, but I have a bit of Writers' Block. I'm sorry. ):_

**If Only**

_ "I love you, InuYasha." Kikyo's beautiful brown eyes filled with tears, her gray streaked hair falling across his face in a cascade he had grown comfortable with. "Thank you for our life together. Someday, I will meet you on the other side." At that, InuYasha felt his life leaving him and gave one last glance at his children and grandchildren before relaxing against the bed, at peace._

InuYasha snapped awake after the dream, suddenly coming to sit rigidly upright in bed. He checked the time on the alarm clock that sat on the floor next to his mattress. Two thirty-two. He fell onto his back into the position he had fallen asleep in: flat on his back, staring at the ceiling. His heart was pounding against his chest in such a hard rhythm that his ribs actually started to hurt.

It was always the same when he woke up from the dream, and he had the dream often. The dream was of what life would have been like if he and Kikyo hadn't been deceived by Naraku just as they were going to start their life together. It was a dream that was always about how much better life would have been had he never met Kagome. Always in the back of his mind, he would dwell on how perfect it could have been, if only he had trusted Kikyo a little more.

InuYasha knew that he wouldn't fall asleep again any time soon. Guilt assailed him, but he couldn't deny that he would have been so much happier in the long run with Kikyo rather than Kagome. The dream was all the proof he needed.

It would begin with a quiet morning in the forest where the Goshinboku stood just beyond the edge of the village. Everything was serene, a paradise he never could have recreated. The breeze brought the most beautiful scents across the air, though he knew that he would never smell them quite the same way again. He knew that nothing would be the same every again, especially his five senses. But he didn't care.

His heart was thumping rapidly in his chest as he ran to where she would be, remembering the hill where they had met. They had promised to meet each other where they had first crossed paths just as the sun rose to signal a new day, to begin their new life with their darkness behind them.

And the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen was there.

Kikyo stood waiting for him with a happy light in her eye that he'd never seen there before. He could understand the loneliness that she had felt all her life and felt a weight lifting off his chest as he realized that they would be _finished_ with the destructive pain inflicted by it. Soon, he would have a family. He would _belong._ He would be just _one_; not both.

Standing with the morning light rising to her right, she looked too good to be true. She wore traditional priestess attire, but had his mother's lip color on. The smile on her face was brilliant, nearly blinding him in its intensity. Though her hair was tied back in its usual way, it blew in the breeze, giving her an unreal air.

Her beauty would always strike him, whether they were eighteen or eighty.

And she was _his_. She _wanted_ to be his. Until the day they were separated by death, she would be with him and once they were reunited, eternity was theirs. All his life, he'd never had something come so easy to him.

Perhaps that was how he always knew it was a dream, even while he was still asleep. Everything was too easy and perfect and he felt no pain of betrayal, of being left to die alone. She didn't shoot him, nor did she speak of Hell. She just handed him the jewel with trust in her eyes and a soft smile on her lips. And as he gently took it from her, she grasped his other hand, squeezing it as if to make sure he was real.

Then he was human. Just like that. His silver hair turned black and his ears were no longer those of a dog. He felt the supernatural strength that had filled his body throughout his life leaking from his muscles, yet he didn't care. His fangs shortened in his mouth, the claws on his hands became nothing more than rounded mortal nail buds. For the first time, he felt pain from stepping on the rocks beneath his feet. Even his fire rat felt heavier than usual.

But even though he couldn't know for sure, he could just _tell_ that his eyes retained their amber color. However, that didn't matter. Finally, he was able to live with Kikyo without having to worry about what people thought or what they might do to either of them. To the villagers, he had always been a human and was no different from them. They could never know that he had once been a half-demon.

Each year they grew older, something that was completely foreign to him. Children were born over the years. Though some were lost to war and famine, others gave them beautiful grandchildren that were soon spoiled by their doting grandparents. All had the strange amber eyes that only he could have passed onto them, but no one suspected what he had been. Not even their children were told that his father had been a demon lord.

Sesshomaru might have come after InuYasha, but his older brother could no longer follow his scent. Though he had simply grown completely into his human side, without previous knowledge of the change, it was impossible for the daiyoukai to focus on it.

Everything was perfect, despite pain and hardships that they would go through from time to time. They had a farm that was taken care of by the men in the family and the household chores were for the women. Even though they sometimes had to go hungry for a few days, they were happy. And such was the life of a human. He grew more and more used to his lesser strength and stronger emotions every day that he stayed that way. He actually _liked_ his life.

Because he never outlived Kikyo. In every dream, he was the one to die first. He didn't have to see his woman die whenever he dreamed this. He didn't have to watch the life fade out of her eyes, feel it leave her body. Every day wasn't filled with the knowledge that he would live longer than her, much longer.

In every dream, Kikyo cried for him. He didn't have to cry for her.

With Kagome, life had been much different. She'd given him six children in their life together, none of which had died because he had to teach them how to fight like demons. They were forced to go through the life mixed breeds were used to, though, and she knew she wouldn't be able to protect them forever. She'd only been able to give them the tools to move on from the torment.

They fought near constantly. He told her time and again that she needed to stop pushing herself to be what she thought was a suitable mate for a hanyou, that no human could live up to the standard she was trying to set. Fighting over her frailty was futile, but they did it anyways. He would never sway from treating her like porcelain and she would never stop wanting to prove her real strength. The children sometimes wondered when their parents would stop sleeping in the same room, as they'd heard some couples did.

But no matter how they fought, they were always together. Their love was real and strong enough to push through all the tough times that might be coming for them, even when they had to move from village to village after Kaede died. They were practically always moving, Miroku and Sango with their brood following.

And yet, never had she asked him to change into something else for her, even as she'd grown old without him. Even when her hair was gray and people started mistaking him for one of their children. She watched as Miroku and Sango enjoyed their old age together, but she never complained about him not having to feel the pain she did.

Then came the worst day of his life. His entire existence stood still for those twenty-four hours.

He'd known for days before that Kagome was nearing the end of her time. Her scent changed and her body was weak. By the end of the week, she was barely able to get off their futon without help. Though she thought he couldn't see her flinches, he knew she was in nearly constant pain. She kept up with her charade even through the day that she left him and their life.

That morning, he was woken up by the sound of hard coughing. The sound had him immediately sitting upright in bed. He knew that she was outside, sitting among those stupid flowers that she loved so much. Every year, she would plant knew flowers that were brighter and livelier than the last years. Soon, their entire house was surrounded by a garden that could rival any natural forest.

That year, she hadn't had the time to find new ones before she was gone.

"Kagome?" he asked slowly, standing just in the front door. He would wait until she invited him to sit before he did anything, knowing that she might want some privacy. "You need to come inside." Though he wanted her to have any space she needed, he didn't like that she was vulnerable. Any of the enemies they'd gotten in their younger years could be lurking in the shadows, ready to pounce on her.

He couldn't allow his mate to be hurt, even as she was dying.

Though she kept spinning the flower stem she'd been holding that she'd pulled from her garden, she turned with a teary smile to watch him. "I want to be out here before I go." Her voice cracked as the tears in her eyes trailed down her cheeks. His heart shattered at the sight. "I don't want everyone to try to crowd into our room on such a beautiful day."

He was surprised at her words, but he should have known that she had read into his actions as of the last few days. The entirety of their sixty years together had flashed before his eyes whenever he let his guard down for that whole week, even when she was smiling at him so serenely that everything seemed right. But nothing was slowing down her descent. He could feel her slipping through his grasp with every passing moment.

And she had known.

He sank down into the grass beside her and wrapped his arm around her shoulder, pulling her towards him gently. She leaned into his side and they remained silent as their children slowly trickled out of their neighboring homes. The six sat around as well, and tears were shed throughout the group. Even their oldest son gave a sob or two.

Soon, Sango, her children, and their young children came to visit, though the ex-demon slayer knew to give most of the time to the demons in their presence. Unfortunately, that didn't include Shippo, who they hadn't been able to find in time.

But InuYasha didn't care. Every moment that they spent in silence was an eternity of feeling the life slip from Kagome, his life leaving with hers. Her breathing was noticeably slowing and he could hear her heart doing the same. By midday, she didn't even have the strength to lift her head from his shoulder without her help. She just kept twirling that stupid flower between two fingers and watching their children, those heart-wrenching tears trailing down her cheeks.

Finally, just as the sun started to dip beneath the horizon, Kagome whispered, "Please bring me inside." Her voice was nearly inaudible and he doubted he would have heard her if he had been a normal human. But she repeated it once more to make sure he knew that she was ready.

So he took her inside. Lifting her beneath her back and knees, he brought her fragile body into their bedroom, gently laying her down on the bed. He could feel her tears soaking into his fire-rat, making him wish that he could cry right next to her. But he wasn't able to. That would be admitting to himself that he was losing her and he refused to do that.

It was the last thing she ever said in life that always made him wish that things had been different between he and Kikyo, however. To someone else, it might have been inspiring and helped him get through the new life he would be going through alone. Not him. When she said, "I'm sorry for leaving you, but I'm so glad that I didn't have to watch you go," his world stopped spinning. There was no reason for him to live after that.

That was why every time that he ignored a summons from his children and grandchildren, every time he scented Miroku and Sango's descendents around him, he disappeared without a trace. Flower shops were avoided at all costs and he kept his distance from any area they'd ever lived together. He couldn't handle any reminder of her.

And if he'd been with Kikyo, he wouldn't have had to live hundreds of years without his mate.

Perhaps that was more of it. The tie between mates was stronger than anything humans could understand. If he'd become human for Kikyo and she'd died first, he would have only had to deal with it for a few more years and with less of the connection. But as a hanyou mate, Kagome had taken away the very part of his heart that she had always fought so hard to protect. Everything human about him was lost when he was certain that she was gone.

He turned to look at the clock once more. Two forty. In seven hours and twenty minutes, he would watch her graduate from high school. It would be just before she left to live with him, the last time he would ever see her again, even from a distance.

Suddenly, he was throwing all the personal items he'd gotten since his last outburst around the room. His desk was destroyed, his dresser, his bed. Nothing was left untouched. He tore apart his closet and all his clothes but the suit he would wear to her ceremony were in tatters.

Finally, a roar was ripped out of his throat and he stopped his attack. Slamming his fist into the wall, he slid to the ground, shoulders shaking as he held back his sobs.

If only Kikyo hadn't taken in that bandit. If only he had become human for the lost priestess. If only he'd never met Kagome.

Maybe then the pain wouldn't be so damned painful.


End file.
